MEDS + MANIA

Thursday, November 10, 2022

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I haven't written all of my planned posts recently, and I'd like to say it is because I've been busy doing super exciting things....

And I guess I could say that because y'all would never really know, but the truth is that my medications have been messed up several times in the past few months which has me in a sort of roller coaster of not great stuff. 

Fortunately, I have not fallen into a deep depressive state. Unfortunately, I have had to talk myself off the ledge of mania a few times. It's sort of a catch-22 because when the hypomania starts it's like I'm zinging with electricity and ideas are rumbling around like crazy and I have all the energy required to get them all done. 

But, and this is why I absolutely hate people romanticizing mania, it starts to spiral and fast. The ideas might come but to be quite honest they likely do not make sense. People who have never truly been manic cannot know, and they often confuse the hypomanic or a hyperfixated state (as in with ADHD) as mania. But true mania comes with a loss of control which is why I have struggle to learn the signs and now will try to talk myself off jumping into that whirlwind before I lose all my rational thoughts. 

Here are a few thoughts I've had while manic previously:
  • I think the radio commercials are sending me coded messages. I should (and did) start writing down all the commercials in order to decipher them. 
  • I should turn off all of my electronics because the government is tracking me. (I did start turning off all electronics and unplugging them in case they could be turned back on.)
  • I can feel the germs crawling on my body. 
  • All my friends hate me. 
  • My family all hate me.
  • She is trying to turn your son against you. 
  • There are secret messages for me in ________ (insert whatever book or movie or show I was watching at the time).
And these are just my paranoid thoughts. Not to mention the violent ones. Or the ones where I lacked complete impulse control and landed myself in jail. 

So anyway, I haven't been writing here because I'm partially afraid of what I might say. I tend to get super honest when I'm not stable, and sometimes I want to blatantly call out people who I perceive have done something wrong. Whether or not they have could be anybody's guess if I'm extra manic. I've found it best to just isolate a little with a strong support system and wait for it to pass. 

But I've missed writing, and I am writing on NaNoWriMo. My user name is therhondamarie if anyone wants to be writing buddies! 





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Some New Endeavors

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

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Books have always been a huge part of my life. I can't remember a time when I was not into reading. And now it seems that reading is exploding as a niche on the internet which is amazing. 

So I've created a blog that will solely be bookish. As well as a bookstagram. I would say I'll create a solely bookish tiktok but honestly I just can't handle an additional account over there. 

The new bookish blog can be found by clicking here: Bookish Blog
And the bookstagram can be found by clicking here: Bookstagram

I'm really excited to get started! And of course, I'll still be posting about my life over here on this blog and my other socials as well! 

I also created separate farm accounts and a new farm blog, so I don't spam everyone with animal stuff if they aren't into that. 

You can find all of those links here: Farm Links

I hope to see y'all all over! 




 

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ON THE EDGE OF SOMETHING

Tuesday, October 25, 2022

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 Today is one of those days wherein I am completely convinced that every single person who is my friend actually hates me. I've been struggling with my meds the past month or so because of screw ups either at the pharmacy or my doctor's office. I was off my lithium (mood stabilizer) for a little over a week, then as I got back on that I ran out of my escitalopram (antidepressant/antianxiety meds) and was off of those for over a week. Suffice it to say that I am not stable, and my anxiety is through the roof. 

available here

I've been staying up all night, and sometimes going a day or two with no sleep. This just makes the hypomania ramp up even more. I mean, I guess at least it's not depression? Depression is a lot less fun. And I guess at least it's staying in the realm of hypomania where I haven't completely lost touch with reality or started having hallucinations where I believe that Taylor Swift is giving me specific messages about the universe because that would be CA-RAY-ZEE. And I definitely didn't have that thought as I stayed up all night repeatedly listening to the new album.

Since I don't need sleep or food really anymore, I have gotten a ton of planning done. Except the issue is partly that I know when I am stabilized I probably won't understand half of the notes I'm making. Like what the hell does butterfly books mean? And why is Taylor taking over all of the colors? What's the message!?!?!!

Anyway, how are y'all?






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