Monday, March 20, 2023

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me and my son standing on a football field. I am wearing a maroon tee and black leggings. He is in his football uniform. I am looking at him and he is looking at the camera

Dear J, 

     I have been trying very hard to respect that you do not wish to speak with me right now. I think about you every single day, and sometimes I look up your Facebook hoping for a picture so I can know you're happy and healthy. I think constantly about the last time we talked, and I wonder what I said to make you want to "go separate ways". 

I think about my time parenting you as a little kid, through the teenage years, and then knowing you as an adult. I know I was not a perfect parent, and honestly I don't think anyone is. I think about the mistakes I made, and the ways I would do things differently if I could go back. I remember your first word, when you started walking, watching you riding around on your go-kart with Elizabeth, dropping you off on your first day of school where you immediately helped a kid feel okay with being there...and I cried walking out....the very first football practice where you broke your nose to that very last game your senior year where I hugged you and we both cried. And everything in between. I play all of the fond memories like a recording in my mind. 

As you were growing up I felt like we were so close that nothing could ever come between that. I loved knowing and feeling confident that our relationship was good and solid. That I always tried to be there for you and help you in whatever ways I could. And that you trusted me and liked spending time with me. 

I'm not sure when that changed, but I think it was when my mental health deteriorated to a breaking point. I had always had issues, but suddenly it was uncontrollable and I felt like I had lost control. I struggled for so long holding it in and then the dam finally burst. And none of this was your responsibility or your fault. I had no idea how to deal with this, and I think you were left wondering where your mom had gone. I am so sorry about that. I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. 

I hope that you know that I did the best I could with who I was and what I had at the time. And any errors I made were not because I didn't love you or because I was trying to be malicious. I know I embarrass you, and my mental health embarrasses you. I can't change those things about myself no matter how hard I try. I do try to manage them, and sometimes I fail at that. I promise you that it's not intentional. 

I will love you forever. And I will always think of you even if we never reconcile. I will always want the very best for you. 


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Monday, March 13, 2023

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Hi y'all! 

It's been a minute, and I know I had promised to stop ghosting y'all...but hear me out? 

I was deep into writing a fiction novel. I was so serious about it, and I wrote over 25K words during NaNoWriMo. But then....

dun dun dun (pretend that's like super suspenseful movie music please)

I got on the toxic side of booktok. The side where no matter what an author says or does they're vilified regardless. I saw multiple people leave one star reviews for books that aren't even out yet on both Goodreads and Amazon to the point that the book which isn't scheduled to be released for a few years already has a 1-2 star rating. 

And don't be the person that says, "well review spaces aren't for authors" because DUH. But anyways, shouldn't review spaces have some integrity? Shouldn't you only review a book you've actually read? Otherwise, as a reviewer you're also violating the review space. 

To be fair to everyone involved I usually only come in at the tail of any drama because I'm just never involved in it, so I never really know what happened in the moment. I just see "hot takes" later. But all of it turned me off of the majority of booktok. I haven't seen it be as negative on instagram, but that could just be the people I'm following are better. 

And I'm not saying to not have negative reviews. By all means if you read a book and it wasn't for you then leave your review. However, I also think that there is a way to do critical reviews without being a dickhead. If your content is entirely overly harsh critical negative reviews and you seem to hate every single book you read, then I'm probably not going to follow you. 

I just know that once I write my books...then they are out there. In the public space, and at that point I simply have to ignore any criticisms I come across that simply are rude and not well meaning. I'm just not sure I have it in me to not snap back. 

Anyway, at this point I've tabled my fictional novel. I'm only still working on the memoirs. Because if someone doesn't like those then what? It's my literal life...so sorry that the story didn't turn out like you want. Go fuck yourself. (that's what I'll say in my head). Happy to be back blogging! 

Love y'all! 

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Monday, January 23, 2023

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me + Nala (a true friend)

I am waiting some time to publish this because I am just not quite sure why this situation even occurred. I also don't want to dwell on things that make me feel bad about myself, and as that is one of my goals this year I wasn't sure I wanted to even share this. 

But I am also trying to be transparent about dealing with my mental illnesses and how difficult certain situations are for me. I think even those closest to me don't really grasp how much I struggle on a day to day basis with things that others find simple. 

The background is that someone I thought was my friend commented a sort of passive aggressive statement that I didn't notice was one until I had commented back in a happy way trying to be helpful. It wasn't until after the next reply that I realized this "friend' was attempting to call me out about something. Then there was a status thing on that new instagram thing saying something that I took as being directed at me since it was posted immediately after that exchange. 

I replied on the comment and deleted my reply several times because I wasn't sure if it was worth it. After thinking about it I decided this person wasn't worth my energy. I removed them from following me on any social media and blocked them in places I really didn't want them to even see. 

This is something that is really difficult for me. 

Even when I don't really care about a person, as in this case, it's really hard for me to not just be extra impulsive and tell them exactly everything I have never liked about them. Essentially I like to throw gasoline all over the  bridge and then throw a whole box of lit matches on it. Scorch the Earth so that there is no semblance of a hope of repairing the relationship. 

This is something that I have been working on for years. It's a part of my bipolar disorder, and I honestly think a big part of my PTSD. I spent a lot of my life letting people who supposedly love me treat me any way they wanted, and then something erupted in me where I would cut people out without a second thought. I'm trying to find the balance between these extremes.

This person was someone I tolerated because of mutual connections. But there is a limit to my tolerance. I started to question why I allow people to be in my space that I have this gut feeling are not in my corner. This is something I tend to do a lot. I get a feeling about a person, and then I talk myself into ignoring that feeling because I think I'm snap judging them or not giving them a chance. 

But I have NEVER been wrong. 

Every single time I've felt like this about a person they have always lived up to my initial judgment. And yet I've been gaslit so often in my life that I always second guess every single decision, feeling, and judgment. One of my goals this year is to listen to my intuition and trust myself on things. 

Do you get gut feelings about people? 

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