Thursday, April 6, 2023

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 Recently, I had a small to medium -ish mental breakdown. I was (still am) incredibly stressed by the amount of things I needed to do for Lust + Lore. Plus my medication was really making me feel sick, and I may have skipped a few days. 

Fortunately for me I am a member of Swiftianity. So basically I blasted our savior and queen Taylor Swift for a few days shifting from the sad songs to the don't fuck with me I'm taking over the world ones and now I'm all better. 

13/10 recommend it friends. 

What do you do when you're feeling sad?

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Monday, March 20, 2023

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me and my son standing on a football field. I am wearing a maroon tee and black leggings. He is in his football uniform. I am looking at him and he is looking at the camera

Dear J, 

     I have been trying very hard to respect that you do not wish to speak with me right now. I think about you every single day, and sometimes I look up your Facebook hoping for a picture so I can know you're happy and healthy. I think constantly about the last time we talked, and I wonder what I said to make you want to "go separate ways". 

I think about my time parenting you as a little kid, through the teenage years, and then knowing you as an adult. I know I was not a perfect parent, and honestly I don't think anyone is. I think about the mistakes I made, and the ways I would do things differently if I could go back. I remember your first word, when you started walking, watching you riding around on your go-kart with Elizabeth, dropping you off on your first day of school where you immediately helped a kid feel okay with being there...and I cried walking out....the very first football practice where you broke your nose to that very last game your senior year where I hugged you and we both cried. And everything in between. I play all of the fond memories like a recording in my mind. 

As you were growing up I felt like we were so close that nothing could ever come between that. I loved knowing and feeling confident that our relationship was good and solid. That I always tried to be there for you and help you in whatever ways I could. And that you trusted me and liked spending time with me. 

I'm not sure when that changed, but I think it was when my mental health deteriorated to a breaking point. I had always had issues, but suddenly it was uncontrollable and I felt like I had lost control. I struggled for so long holding it in and then the dam finally burst. And none of this was your responsibility or your fault. I had no idea how to deal with this, and I think you were left wondering where your mom had gone. I am so sorry about that. I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. 

I hope that you know that I did the best I could with who I was and what I had at the time. And any errors I made were not because I didn't love you or because I was trying to be malicious. I know I embarrass you, and my mental health embarrasses you. I can't change those things about myself no matter how hard I try. I do try to manage them, and sometimes I fail at that. I promise you that it's not intentional. 

I will love you forever. And I will always think of you even if we never reconcile. I will always want the very best for you. 


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Monday, March 13, 2023

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Hi y'all! 

It's been a minute, and I know I had promised to stop ghosting y'all...but hear me out? 

I was deep into writing a fiction novel. I was so serious about it, and I wrote over 25K words during NaNoWriMo. But then....

dun dun dun (pretend that's like super suspenseful movie music please)

I got on the toxic side of booktok. The side where no matter what an author says or does they're vilified regardless. I saw multiple people leave one star reviews for books that aren't even out yet on both Goodreads and Amazon to the point that the book which isn't scheduled to be released for a few years already has a 1-2 star rating. 

And don't be the person that says, "well review spaces aren't for authors" because DUH. But anyways, shouldn't review spaces have some integrity? Shouldn't you only review a book you've actually read? Otherwise, as a reviewer you're also violating the review space. 

To be fair to everyone involved I usually only come in at the tail of any drama because I'm just never involved in it, so I never really know what happened in the moment. I just see "hot takes" later. But all of it turned me off of the majority of booktok. I haven't seen it be as negative on instagram, but that could just be the people I'm following are better. 

And I'm not saying to not have negative reviews. By all means if you read a book and it wasn't for you then leave your review. However, I also think that there is a way to do critical reviews without being a dickhead. If your content is entirely overly harsh critical negative reviews and you seem to hate every single book you read, then I'm probably not going to follow you. 

I just know that once I write my books...then they are out there. In the public space, and at that point I simply have to ignore any criticisms I come across that simply are rude and not well meaning. I'm just not sure I have it in me to not snap back. 

Anyway, at this point I've tabled my fictional novel. I'm only still working on the memoirs. Because if someone doesn't like those then what? It's my literal life...so sorry that the story didn't turn out like you want. Go fuck yourself. (that's what I'll say in my head). Happy to be back blogging! 

Love y'all! 

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