Monday, January 23, 2023

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me + Nala (a true friend)

I am waiting some time to publish this because I am just not quite sure why this situation even occurred. I also don't want to dwell on things that make me feel bad about myself, and as that is one of my goals this year I wasn't sure I wanted to even share this. 

But I am also trying to be transparent about dealing with my mental illnesses and how difficult certain situations are for me. I think even those closest to me don't really grasp how much I struggle on a day to day basis with things that others find simple. 

The background is that someone I thought was my friend commented a sort of passive aggressive statement that I didn't notice was one until I had commented back in a happy way trying to be helpful. It wasn't until after the next reply that I realized this "friend' was attempting to call me out about something. Then there was a status thing on that new instagram thing saying something that I took as being directed at me since it was posted immediately after that exchange. 

I replied on the comment and deleted my reply several times because I wasn't sure if it was worth it. After thinking about it I decided this person wasn't worth my energy. I removed them from following me on any social media and blocked them in places I really didn't want them to even see. 

This is something that is really difficult for me. 

Even when I don't really care about a person, as in this case, it's really hard for me to not just be extra impulsive and tell them exactly everything I have never liked about them. Essentially I like to throw gasoline all over the  bridge and then throw a whole box of lit matches on it. Scorch the Earth so that there is no semblance of a hope of repairing the relationship. 

This is something that I have been working on for years. It's a part of my bipolar disorder, and I honestly think a big part of my PTSD. I spent a lot of my life letting people who supposedly love me treat me any way they wanted, and then something erupted in me where I would cut people out without a second thought. I'm trying to find the balance between these extremes.

This person was someone I tolerated because of mutual connections. But there is a limit to my tolerance. I started to question why I allow people to be in my space that I have this gut feeling are not in my corner. This is something I tend to do a lot. I get a feeling about a person, and then I talk myself into ignoring that feeling because I think I'm snap judging them or not giving them a chance. 

But I have NEVER been wrong. 

Every single time I've felt like this about a person they have always lived up to my initial judgment. And yet I've been gaslit so often in my life that I always second guess every single decision, feeling, and judgment. One of my goals this year is to listen to my intuition and trust myself on things. 

Do you get gut feelings about people? 

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Wednesday, January 18, 2023

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I started this book awhile ago at the advice of my partner. I have a master's in Intelligence Studies with an Emphasis on Terrorism, and this book is written by a former government official in the field. Richard A. Clarke has held so many positions within the IC (Intelligence Community) including serving on committees specifically dedicated towards defending our country from foreign and domestic terrorist threats.

The book was incredible if you have an interest in this field. Although I do have background knowledge in the field I do not think that one would have to hold an advanced degree to understand the threats to national security that are exposed on a daily basis through these committees and task forces of individuals in the IC. 

I would give this book five stars. 

Clarke does a good job of explaining really intricate details that may be difficult to understand in a way that anyone could understand the jobs that he has been in and the situations he has seen. He does not overly use jargon that would make readability and understanding difficult. 

If the topic of national security and defense is a topic that you enjoy learning about then I would definitely recommend this read for you. 

I happen to enjoy non-fiction and with my background I do enjoy reading about the experiences of others in this field. 

Happy reading friends! 

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Monday, January 16, 2023

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One thing that I get asked quite often is how I can manage so many different things that I do, and the answer is that I plan things pretty carefully for the most part. I find that when I have things planned out and get detailed in the planning that I accomplish more and am able to get ahead in tasks. 

When I start to plan, I do not start at the beginning as one would automatically assume. When planning to achieve goals, I start with the end goal and then I plan backwards to set up checkpoints and what I need to do daily to achieve this ultimate goal. 

I use the SMART goal format for setting up the ultimate end goal, and then I do a smaller SMART goal format for setting up the checkpoints. Then I set up my daily progress. Along the way at each checkpoint I evaluate what I need to modify for each step. Sometimes I'm further along and sometimes I'm not far enough along. Then I adjust as necessary. 

I find that this is the most effective way to help me achieve my goals. 

How do you plan your goals for the year?

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