Monday, June 6, 2022


This photo was taken during one of my internships during my English Ed degree (my second Bachelors degree), and it was before I had been diagnosed with anything. I was just struggling through life not knowing why I felt the way I felt, both physically and mentally. 

I was struggling through secondary infertility, feeling like my body was betraying me, and all the drugs that were being prescribed made me feel insane. Looking back, I should not have been putting myself through all of that...especially when I knew deep down that I absolutely did not want more children. Especially when I knew I was convincing myself that I also wanted this in order to make another person happy. 

I have done this a lot throughout my entire life. And it goes well beyond being a considerate person or a mild people pleaser. I was inhibiting a trauma response known as fawning. It's a way to cater to others to avoid conflict, feel secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others. After I got diagnosed with both physical and mental illnesses that gave me some answers, but still not any real relief....I began to learn about my trauma responses and what that meant for my interactions as well as how I should structure my life. 

Once I began to realize that I could set boundaries for myself and stick to them as well as be my own person without changing everything to make someone else happy that's when things in my life began to change. Eventually for the better, but the transition was rough at times. I had to shed a lot of things that no longer suited my life and that hurt feelings and made people angry which as the people pleaser I was was quite difficult for me to accept and not want to fix. But things are a lot better now, and I'm really glad I went through the transition to get to the good part. 

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