Thursday, July 21, 2022


I wanted to do all of my posts in a third person narration style like the way I hope to write my book, but this post is one that I just want to put out there. The writing might be raw, but it is so real. 

The other day I was putting my bay filly back into the paddock and Melvin (this cute guy to your left) caused a situation by leaping on her which caused her to pull back jerking my elbow which was already in pain. Then he ran right into me knocking me into the fence panels. 

Eventually I got the halter off of her so she would stop freaking out and they ran off.

It didn't scare me, but it really annoyed me. I've been annoyed a lot lately. I finally figured out I am in a mixed state with my bipolar, but that the hypomania aspect is presenting itself as annoyance and irritability. I've been working hard on some mindfulness techniques and other skills I've learned through my years of therapy. 

All of this to say that I finally finished the book, Continuing the Ride. And I think reading someone else's story about losing their confidence and how they regained it is so valuable. I'm going to talk about how I lost my confidence. 

Unlike in the book it didn't happen with a single traumatic horse accident. It happened in pieces over years, and not even caused by a horse. I have had horse accidents to be sure. I've had ones that ended with an ambulance ride and memory loss. I've had ones that ended with me wrapped in barbed wire being kicked into the air. But none of those caused me to be hesitant about climbing onto the back of another horse. None of those caused me to be unsure of my riding ability. 

Rather it was a person who told me repeatedly that I shouldn't mourn the fact that I didn't have horses anymore because I probably wasn't a good rider anyway. It was a person who told me that I never had a nice horse, so why did I miss them? It was a person who told me that since I had always ridden dinks I wouldn't know what to do with a good horse. It was a person who told me that since I hadn't had the opportunity to rodeo that I wouldn't be good at it anyway. It was a person who told me winning local, regional, district shows was nothing. It was not impressive that I won everything I entered for awhile. They said it was not impressive that I'd never had a colt buck that I started in their first rides. They said not a single horse I'd ever owned was worth anything, despite the fact that they never saw one of them. 

After awhile I stopped talking about horses or my accomplishments with them. I stopped telling stories about my life in general because it wasn't just horses that was met with this downgrading of me, it was all aspects. 

Fast forward to 2019, and I get PopTart...a literal dream horse. 

When we got her to our first boarding stable, I nearly had a panic attack before getting on her. I wouldn't ride outside of the round pen for months. I am reluctant to brag about her online because I'm so worried that someone will tell me she's not worth anything. 

I finished that book yesterday, and I cried sitting on my couch because one of the things in my life that I have always loved more than anything was taken from me by someone else. My confidence in my ability with horses has been shattered and not because of anything a horse ever did. I've been riding since I can remember, and I have never felt afraid on a horse until now. 

I'm not really sure how to overcome this trauma. I just know that I love horses more than I am scared and so I will. 

And to anyone out there listening to someone else tell you that you're not good at something or that you aren't doing anything worthwhile...that person does not love you and you should tell them to go fuck all the way off. 

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