Confession: I've been struggling lately.

Friday, October 14, 2022


If you've been here for a bit or follow me on any social media then you already know that I have bipolar disorder along with several other mental illnesses as co-morbidities. I'm not sure if it's getting worse or what is going on with me, but lately I have been struggling quite hard. 

I have tried to not share it, but I really feel as though I am hanging on by a thread. I feel as though the swings are faster. This could be due to several mix-ups with my medications between the doctor and the pharmacy causing me to go over a week without my mood stabilizers and now several days without my antidepressants. 

Of course everyone has normal life stuff that causes their moods to fluctuate, but this is not related to those things. I almost feel completely disconnected from those things. Like they're happening outside of myself as though I'm watching them and not experiencing them. It's a sort of dissociation. 

I have begun to feel "outsider-ish" in any social groups that I am in. Like I don't quite belong or am not really wanted. 

The worst part is that when I feel that, it's not a sadness or pity for myself that I's a blind rage. My initial reaction is to tell the people I feel have slighted me everything that is wrong with them and scorch the Earth so the relationship can never be repaired. Or I want to resort to physical violence. 

I'm aware that these feelings are irrational and the reactions are definitely not rational or constructive. I am worried for the impending mania when I lost that awareness of rationality and what is real and what is not. I am trying very hard to keep it together, but I feel it coming. And it scares me. 

If I isolate please understand why. I'm trying to protect my relationships and keep myself from altering my life in a way that once I'm lucid again I will regret and mourn over. I'll be back when I'm better if I need to hiatus.

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