MEDS + MANIA

 

I haven't written all of my planned posts recently, and I'd like to say it is because I've been busy doing super exciting things....

And I guess I could say that because y'all would never really know, but the truth is that my medications have been messed up several times in the past few months which has me in a sort of roller coaster of not great stuff. 

Fortunately, I have not fallen into a deep depressive state. Unfortunately, I have had to talk myself off the ledge of mania a few times. It's sort of a catch-22 because when the hypomania starts it's like I'm zinging with electricity and ideas are rumbling around like crazy and I have all the energy required to get them all done. 

But, and this is why I absolutely hate people romanticizing mania, it starts to spiral and fast. The ideas might come but to be quite honest they likely do not make sense. People who have never truly been manic cannot know, and they often confuse the hypomanic or a hyperfixated state (as in with ADHD) as mania. But true mania comes with a loss of control which is why I have struggle to learn the signs and now will try to talk myself off jumping into that whirlwind before I lose all my rational thoughts. 

Here are a few thoughts I've had while manic previously:

• I think the radio commercials are sending me coded messages. I should (and did) start writing down all the commercials in order to decipher them. 
• I should turn off all of my electronics because the government is tracking me. (I did start turning off all electronics and unplugging them in case they could be turned back on.)
• I can feel the germs crawling on my body. 
• All my friends hate me. 
• My family all hate me.
• She is trying to turn your son against you. 
• There are secret messages for me in ________ (insert whatever book or movie or show I was watching at the time).

And these are just my paranoid thoughts. Not to mention the violent ones. Or the ones where I lacked complete impulse control and landed myself in jail. 

So anyway, I haven't been writing here because I'm partially afraid of what I might say. I tend to get super honest when I'm not stable, and sometimes I want to blatantly call out people who I perceive have done something wrong. Whether or not they have could be anybody's guess if I'm extra manic. I've found it best to just isolate a little with a strong support system and wait for it to pass. 

But I've missed writing, and I am writing on NaNoWriMo. My user name is therhondamarie if anyone wants to be writing buddies!