Monday, January 23, 2023


me + Nala (a true friend)

I am waiting some time to publish this because I am just not quite sure why this situation even occurred. I also don't want to dwell on things that make me feel bad about myself, and as that is one of my goals this year I wasn't sure I wanted to even share this. 

But I am also trying to be transparent about dealing with my mental illnesses and how difficult certain situations are for me. I think even those closest to me don't really grasp how much I struggle on a day to day basis with things that others find simple. 

The background is that someone I thought was my friend commented a sort of passive aggressive statement that I didn't notice was one until I had commented back in a happy way trying to be helpful. It wasn't until after the next reply that I realized this "friend' was attempting to call me out about something. Then there was a status thing on that new instagram thing saying something that I took as being directed at me since it was posted immediately after that exchange. 

I replied on the comment and deleted my reply several times because I wasn't sure if it was worth it. After thinking about it I decided this person wasn't worth my energy. I removed them from following me on any social media and blocked them in places I really didn't want them to even see. 

This is something that is really difficult for me. 

Even when I don't really care about a person, as in this case, it's really hard for me to not just be extra impulsive and tell them exactly everything I have never liked about them. Essentially I like to throw gasoline all over the  bridge and then throw a whole box of lit matches on it. Scorch the Earth so that there is no semblance of a hope of repairing the relationship. 

This is something that I have been working on for years. It's a part of my bipolar disorder, and I honestly think a big part of my PTSD. I spent a lot of my life letting people who supposedly love me treat me any way they wanted, and then something erupted in me where I would cut people out without a second thought. I'm trying to find the balance between these extremes.

This person was someone I tolerated because of mutual connections. But there is a limit to my tolerance. I started to question why I allow people to be in my space that I have this gut feeling are not in my corner. This is something I tend to do a lot. I get a feeling about a person, and then I talk myself into ignoring that feeling because I think I'm snap judging them or not giving them a chance. 

But I have NEVER been wrong. 

Every single time I've felt like this about a person they have always lived up to my initial judgment. And yet I've been gaslit so often in my life that I always second guess every single decision, feeling, and judgment. One of my goals this year is to listen to my intuition and trust myself on things. 

Do you get gut feelings about people? 

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