Monday, January 22, 2024

Ignoring Red Flags


As I write my meNoir, I am reminded of a lot of situations that I'd rather forget. But I think that by living my life and experiences out loud that might help someone else learn from my mistakes or recognize some traits in themselves that will lead to getting help sooner than I did. As I write I find that I am not as healed from some things as I believed myself to be, which is fine. 

For instance, I shared on my instagram a picture taken from the night I met the first person I was exclusive with after my separation from a ten year long toxic relationship. I remember it because of the reaction of how I looked, which in retrospect should have been a red flag that so much emphasis was placed on how I looked instead of anything meaningful. And I remember it because he ended up being a big fat married liar who used me to fulfill a fantasy. 

I honestly hadn't thought about him in years, but in writing about my experiences in toxic relationship after toxic relationship and what I've learned about myself through analyzing them is that I was still angry at him. I also learned a lot about my friendships with other women through that particular fiasco, which is a whole other memoir. There is just entirely too much woman on woman hatred over men. And for what?

A mid man with a slightly below average sized appendage? 

Seriously not worth it y'all. 

A large theme in my meNoir is me ignoring red flags because I did not have the self worth to stand up and say I didn't deserve that treatment, so I would accept small slights which turned into larger slights and sometimes into actual criminal treatment of me. 

To be clear, I do understand that it was not my fault that I was treated poorly by men. I do understand that their behavior is the despicable side. However, I also acknowledge that my low self esteem and desire to feel loved and appreciated contributed to my repeatedly ending up in relationships with men who absolutely did not deserve me. Although not my fault that I was treated poorly I did contribute to the direction my life was taking. 

Obviously, I am now in a stable, safe, happy relationship where I am valued for who I am. That's why I am able to write about these things and acknowledge them. 

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